Silencing the Music

I haven't written much in the past few months.  I have thought to, but then got pulled away by something or other.  I also have been hesitant to write because despite trying to keep things normal for the Babe, I'm still in mourning for my father.  Jewish custom or tradition is that a child observe an eleven month mourning period for a parent.  During that time, certain activities are abstained from, as one should avoid joyous activities such as listening to music or going to parties. 

For me, the music has been silenced.  I no longer listen to music in the car or at home.  I rarely drove without music playing in the car before.  Now, its only on if others put it on.  If I'm alone and a news show starts playing music, I change the channel.  The only time I now intentionally hear music is when I go to religious services.  Then, the music is a double-edged sword.  I enjoy it, but it is painful because I associate my father with that.  He sang off and on with temple choirs, and when attending services, he always sang in a strong, loud voice.  As I now attend services in a different synagogue (in a different state), the voices and harmonies are slightly different.  Sometimes though I can hear him in my head, and its difficult.  One song at the end of services is too much for me that I don't know if and when I'll ever be able to sing along to it. 

While I intentionally am not doing certain things, I can't deprive the Babe of being a child and enjoying what is around her.  That meant a birthday celebration, sightseeing when friends and family visit, watching her shows, and all things that are important to my now six-year-old. 

In the past few months, we have celebrated her birthday with family and friends.  She has lost her two bottom front teeth.  She is loving kindergarten, and becoming a stronger reader and writer.  We did our annual apple picking and pumpkin picking.  We went to Washington D.C. with my sister and niece when they came for a brief visit.  Later this week we'll be participating in Halloween festivities at school and in our neighborhood.  Life goes on.  Right now its just a little bittersweet for me.